Do you ever have those moments where you stop and take a look at your life.....and realise it is totally different from how it was a short time ago? When you do how does it make you feel?
I had one of those moments at the start of the year. I was, lets face it, foul at the time. I just felt so STUCK and miserable that my body ached with it. I was finding it hard to find the joy in things.
It stretched across my whole life - work, diet, exercise, family, friends. It was the most exhausting experience I have ever had, I felt so heavy, so trapped.
I spent time waiting for things to shift, for something, anything to happen to ease the pressure and despair I was feeling. Then it dawned on me - the power to make change was entirely with me.
If I waited for something/someone else to make those changes for me I would be waiting for a long time!
Stocktake
I did an audit - the version of me before I started TTC and the version of me now.
Here's what I discovered - my life had done a 180 degree shift.
In my misery I had thought I'd find this a bad thing, but on balance, it wasn't.
I'd been lamenting all the woes of life from TTC. I was playing the role of the victim, thinking about the costs of infertility.
When I stopped to think about it though I realised in a lot of ways (lack of baby aside) I was much better off. Sure some of the changes and the losses are hard- very hard! - but I've grown a lot from them.
There was things I thought I was missing (eg getting roaring drunk) that I've realised (by experiencing them again) I don't actually miss at all.
I also realised that the things I really did miss were within my control to bring back into my life.
Carefreeness came to mind. Passion. Self-love and acceptance. Flexibility. Fun. Holidays and a fruity cocktail at sunset on a warm night.
Who says infertility and these things need to be mutually exclusive??
So I set about trying to reclaim the things on that list.
I discovered the negative self-beliefs and limiting behaviours I'd attributed to my fertility challenges actually existed well before they began - I had just applied them in my life in different ways.
A baby might placate them but won't stop them coming up again - I needed to work on the issues beneath the issues, and in doing so I knew I'd improve my life on all levels, including my ability to cope with my fertility struggles.
Learnings that have helped when I am feeling stuck:
That those moments where you feel the most stuck are the ones where you are on the cusp of the biggest transformations
If you can find the courage to take the leap and find them! Its ok to have bad days, bad weeks - it's what you do next that matters!
That it is ok to make mistakes- no one is perfect.
The need to get things just right before taking action leads to spending a lot of time either procrastinating, gathering information or disappointing yourself.
When we take action and try something we gain confidence to try more things and we learn and improve through our experiences! Motion is emotion - we feel better when we are doing something!!
There is no such thing as failure!!
When things don't go to plan I get a chance to grow. I know what not to do now...it has taught me about what to avoid next time I try! After all, as Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing over again and expecting a different result!
What are your tips for moving forward when you feel trapped by your fertility journey?