Being judgemental is something that is easy to do. I judge you, you judge me, and most of all we judge ourselves. We don't always like to admit it, but we all do it.
Sometimes judgement can be a good thing...we can make positive judgments! Too often it can be a self-destructive or cruel.
Often we don't realise the impact that what we think has on others. Or on ourselves.
We forget that everyone else, just like us, has a fundamental fear of not being good enough, not fitting in, not being liked.
Reality is, sometimes being judgemental feels good. Up there on your high horse, you get the satisfaction of thinking you are better than someone else in that moment or situation.
But are you really?? Do you need that sort of validation to feel good??
What has being Judgemental cost me??
Judgement has been a theme for me in my fertility challenges. I judge myself heavily. I've then judged others - you're not doing this or that as well as me!!! - to justify my behaviour.
I realised I'd developed a pattern where I was either being too hard on others or too hard on myself.
I’d become convinced unless I was ‘perfect’ I would never get pregnant. But then I’d be ‘perfect,’ get so strict with myself, do every step just right…and still not get pregnant!!
It’s not sustainable behaviour so eventually I’d go totally the other way, then punish myself for that….and cycle around again.
Instead of validating myself in a reasonable way, and sorting out the emotional stuff going on underneath, I found I was either silently judging you or silently judging myself.
On closer examination I was really trying to drown out that little voice in my head saying 'you are not good enough no matter how hard you try'.
I’ve realised being judgemental is that it is something I do when I feel afraid, insecure or limited in my beliefs.
What Is The Key to breaking the Judgement Cycle?
For me it’s this:
Getting to the heart of the matter.
Fertility challenges can over take your life. They can peel back the layers of the onion to the very core of your deepest insecurities.
On our worst days we judge ourselves heavily for these.
On even worse days these are hard to admit to ourselves so we cover them up, instead judging others for things we think will make us feel better.
When I find myself feeling judgemental I now:
Look in the mirror
When you judge others you are often judging yourself!
If ever I find myself judging someone else I ask - what is really behind this?
Spend time looking at the belief’s I’ve developed or uncovered about myself – good and bad.
Then I look at the actions I am taking to reinforce those beliefs.
What I might need to change about those beliefs and behaviours that don’t support me and the person I want to be?
This can be confronting but also completely liberating!
Choose to shift my focus
We forget that we have the ability to choose how we feel about this, and about ourselves. We can choose:
- What we believe about ourselves,
- What meaning we assign to the things that happen,
- The actions we take
What we think, we become – a choice to make a simple, deliberate shift in focus makes all the difference.
Choice brings such freedom. Choice and Freedom. Two things that until now felt so rare in my fertility struggles!
Is it that simple???
My answer is yes!
What is challenging is remembering that it is that simple.
The path to self-acceptance is a rocky road. I know I have days where I stumble…but I like understanding why and how I can work on it.
How do you cope with feeling judgemental while going through your fertility challenges?